Almost too late! One click away from the threat within!

Episode 29: 

We all think it won't happen to us or we have more time. Unfortunately, the threat is there, just one click away, and it isn't IF but WHEN it will reach our kids.

Listen in to hear more about my friend and fellow podcaster, Ashley Carroll from the So She Grows Podcast, as she interviews me for her podcast after she had a way too close encounter with a potential predator, just one click away, as her 10 year old innocently played a game in between her virtual classes. 

It is the sad reality of raising kids in this digital age, but with tools, a community, and a proactive awareness and plan, we can navigate this to keep our kids safe!You can check out Ashley's podcast, So She Grows, on Itunes HERE. 

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CLICK HERE for your free digital resources download!

Help ensure the safety and normal childhood development of your child by grabbing the newest version of the GABB Wireless phone at THIS LINK or go to https://www.gabbwireless.com/promo/bethatmom and use code BETHATMOM for $10 off!! 

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Already have a smart phone or ready to give them one? Protect your child (and your sanity) in the digital world with BARK! Use code BETHATMOM for 20% off for life! https://www.bark.us

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Other options if you are considering a first phone (or need to backtrack on this decision):

• Relay go device can be found HERE
• Gizmo Watch can be found HERE

(A few of the above links are affiliate links that I may receive commission from at no extra cost to you! Your support is greatly appreciated!)

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Want to be THAT Mom besties??? Jump in to my free Be THAT Mom Movement Facebook Community HERE! 

Email me at [email protected] or connect with me on IG @dollydenson https://www.instragram.com/dollydenson 

More info on the Be THAT Mom Movement https://www.dollydenson.com

Be THAT Fit Mom!! Simplify your fitness/nutrition routine! Join me in the Align Your Life Fit Club! More info can be found at https://www.dollydenson.com/fitclub or at https://www.dollydenson.com/muscleburnsfat for the newest program I am doing. 

Listen to it now here or click HERE for your favorite podcast platform!

FULL TRANSCRIPTION:

Speaker 1: (00:00)
And we can make the excuse that this is the time that we're in. We just need to embrace it. We just need to let our kids play. Um, and then we are on this like reactive mode of like, I'll just handle situations when they come up,

Speaker 2: (00:15)
Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable, real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the be that mom movement with your host Dolly Denson.

Speaker 1: (00:41)
Hey, here we are. For another episode and today I want to share some really good news with you before we get started on today's topic. I found out this morning that my podcast is ranking number 16 in the parenting category in New Zealand and number 62 in the kids and family category in New Zealand. And like, Holy cow. Thank you so much for listening, whoever you are. That's in New Zealand, listening. I know when you probably listen to me, probably know where I'm from, right? Did you guess? Uh, and the reason I say that is because my daughter, my oldest one, she did a study abroad trip in New Zealand a couple years ago. She was attending Texas a and M in college station. And she had an agricultural, uh, study abroad thing where she was there for like 10 days or 14 days, something like that. But she had such a good time, but it was really, really cool because she said that when they would talk to people, her group of classmates, when they would talk to someone that was native new Zealander, um, I'm sorry if that's not the proper way to refer to you, but they would say, we know you're from Texas.

Speaker 1: (01:45)
We can tell you're from Texas. And that's so funny to us because we sound normal. Right. But when I was talking to her on the phone one time when she was, while she was there, someone from New Zealand was talking behind her and I could hear their accent. And I was like, Oh my God, listen to how they talk. So if you're listening from New Zealand, I'm sure you already figured out I am from Texas, but totally cool. Thank you so much for listening. And I just can't tell you how much that warms my heart to know someone out there is listening and finds this helpful because it was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever gone through as a parent is realizing that I needed to be more proactive in this space. So that's always my goal when I am sharing information is to help you be more proactive in this space and know what the next step should be, because I seriously sat in that space for the longest time and thought, I know I'm supposed to be doing something, but I don't know what, and I'm sure my kids will just figure this out and we'll all be good right until it wasn't.

Speaker 1: (02:44)
Okay. So today's topic is an interview I did with my good friend, Ashley Carroll, and I just love the opportunity that she gave for me to just get this out to more people and to her audience. And now I want to bring her to you so you can hear this, but also please go and listen to her podcast as well. She provides a lot of valuable information if you are a mom. And if you're a wife, um, talks about all of the little innuendos, her kids are younger than mine, but like she says, in the interview, you just don't expect to have to focus on this. So soon you think you have more time until you don't. And that it's not a matter of if, but when your child is affected in some way by the digital things. So listen in, I hope you find this helpful and let's go.

Speaker 1: (03:29)
So before we get to that, I know you're all geared up and ready to hear Ashley. But before we get to that, I have to tell you that bark is for just the arrest of September. And I should have mentioned this earlier in the month, but for the rest of September, they are giving $10 to the American foundation for suicide prevention because it is suicide prevention month or suicide awareness month. They are giving $10 to that foundation for every bark membership. So if you have not yet signed up for bark, please do that today. Before the end of September, if you're listening to this, when it was first published so that they can give $10 to that foundation, the suicide rates have spiked since the digital age and the smartphone and all the social media apps took off, especially in our young, you know, like a preteen and PR and teenager age.

Speaker 1: (04:18)
So it's definitely something that we need to bring more awareness to. And definitely a mission of my podcast is to help more parents help their kids with this. Okay? So no kids go to that point and that we are always proactive. And in that space in bark, it's such a powerful way for you to do that while giving them some independence and you peace of mind. So be sure to use code, be that mom for 20% off your subscription with a seven day free trial bark is a necessity. So get it today. Okay. So now let's get to Ashley,

Speaker 3: (04:51)
Hey, what's up guys? I'm with Dolly Denson from be that mom movement podcast and be that mom movement. And I went to Dolly Dolly, like a couple of weeks ago of my own social. Uh, well, I wouldn't call it social media, but like gaming, like I don't know, crisis of my own Parenthood crisis moment of like, Oh crap. Like I never, you always do this to yourself too. You're always like, I'm so prepared or I'm so like onboard or I'm still ahead of the game. And then you go to a place of like, Oh, maybe I wasn't like, like how, how did this happen to us? How, how was this? You know, you always like, that'll never be us. Cause I'm prepared. And then I was at Dolly, like jolly, I'm not prepared. What am I doing? Um, so to give you guys a little insight, I went to Dolly about like a couple of weeks ago, a coat we're in COVID times.

Speaker 3: (05:45)
So, um, if you're listening now, you know what that's like, kids are at home, they're online more where, uh, playing games more. And if you're not, you will be able to look back and remember this isolated feeling. But my kids were online more. I kind of dropped my guard a little bit. My daughter's school gave them computers to do their classes or homework and stuff online. And so we have little, little ones running around. And so I gave her the freedom with her door open to do her work in her room because she was meeting more often than my youngest kid. And what started happening was then she was playing games to, um, wait and take up those five minutes in between classes. And I don't know how she was Googling like games for kids. And I'm ashamed to say that I didn't even know she was doing this until I was doing something one day.

Speaker 3: (06:33)
And, uh, I was folding laundry and I kept feeling like this urge to go check on her and I try to ignore it. Cause I was like, Oh, I got all this laundry. I need to do it. Um, and it was just like this pool, this pool, like, you're gonna regret it. You need to go check on her. And so I sure enough, I went and sat next to her and she was playing this game of some movie star game. I can't even remember exactly what the name was, but you basically dress up these girls and you give them cute outfits and they little avatar things and it looked completely innocent. So I'm like, Hey, show me this game. You know, I'm like trying to be genuinely interested in what she's doing. And she's showing me all these features and she kinda like, um, passes quickly over this messaging feature.

Speaker 3: (07:14)
And I'm like, Whoa, wait, you can mess it on, you know, like you can chat. And so she goes, yeah. And I'm like, Oh, well, you know, I was like, have you been talking to people? She was like, no, not really. And so I'm like, well, you know, click on this. And then she clicks on it and I immediately see like one of the first subject titles of one of her messages was like, um, are you horny for daddy? And I'm sorry, if you got, I will give a disclaimer, uh, this episode that this is not appropriate for kids. But, um, and I was just like, are you kidding? And I immediately like, just like gut check, right? Like my feeling like, and she's 10 and I'm like, Oh my gosh, like, does she read that? What does she think? Does she know what that means?

Speaker 3: (07:57)
Did, like we've had conversations because I want to be ahead of the game with her. And I want her to know she can always come to me. And so I'm like, does she already know what that means by the conversations that we've had? Like what, what do I do with this? And I'm trying not to freak out because I don't want her to freak out. I don't want it to be a big thing. Um, and so, you know, I'm just like, okay. And I have her show me around a little bit more and then I go, okay. And then, uh, before I left the room, I made sure I was like, well, let's, you know, like let's check out some other games, show me some other games you've been playing. So I got her playing a different game. It was safe that I've known. And then I like walk out of the room and I immediately called my husband and I was like, come home.

Speaker 3: (08:34)
Like, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you. This is what's going on. And so then when he came home, he took her computer. We had a conversation with her and he looked through it and just was, we were shocked by what we saw. And so then I reached out to Dolly. Cause if you guys don't know, Dolly is an expert and has advice on, um, you know, helping kids navigate safely through, uh, this kind of technology era that we're in. And so Dolly, my first question to you, I wanted to be was that like so many other moms, I feel like we come from a good place. And, and it's like, we're stuck between a rock and a hard place of that. Like we want to protect our kids, but at the same time we have kiddos coming home, her like, you know, so-and-so has a phone or everybody's gaming and we can make the excuse that this is the time that we're in. We just need to embrace it. We just need to let our kids play. Um, and then we are on this like reactive mode of like, I'll just handle situations when they come up or you know, all this, that and the other. So Dolly share with me your thoughts and, and what you've gathered so far. Cause I feel like I'm just verbal vomiting all over you, but I wanted to give people some context.

Speaker 1: (09:51)
Thanks for having me on your show. I'm glad to be able to share a little bit more about, um, all of this. Cause it's actually like, I feel like it's the new realm of parenting that we have to face head on. Um, I was that mom that was like, not my kid. It won't happen to me. I've raised them. Right. You know, there they'll see that anything like that is wrong. Um, the problem with that approach and there are a lot of parents who will say not my kid, my kid is good. All of that stuff. Yeah. I kid you not. I said the same exact thing, but it, this is such a dangerous and slippery slope on so many levels, um, that it has to be something that we look at and face with our kids. And there's so much, um, influence in what they consume and what is trying to get to them.

Speaker 1: (10:46)
All of the predators that are out there that we just have to be proactive about it. I, um, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it because you are so not alone in this. It's just a matter of, we all come to a realization at some point and hopefully that sooner rather than later. And that's really what my mission is about is to help get in front of moms when their kids are really young, because the influence starts the moment that you put a device in their hands. And I don't know about you, but my youngest he's 15 now. Um, he had my phone playing games on it when he was, you know, like to, um, you know, so of course they weren't as involved as they are now, but they can navigate these things. So, so well because they get it at such a young age.

Speaker 1: (11:34)
But if it was just like, I don't know how old you are, but I had like a tare, Nintendo. Those things were me as a kid and it was simply plugging it in and playing a little game. Now we're connecting them to the world. So when I was growing up, it was a big thing about stranger danger. And you need to make sure, you know, that you don't go with someone who offers you candy or says, if you're there you're ride home. Right. But what we're effective and that's still, you know, a danger, but we are effectively inviting strangers into our home because of these devices and all of the little innuendos that are in there. Like you didn't know, there was a messenger thing, you know, a message feature, a chat feature. And so many of them have that now. So, um, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's just something that we all have to be more aware of. Um, yeah.

Speaker 3: (12:27)
What would you tell moms that are like stuck there in that processing place of like, um, that mindset of, Oh, like this is just the time that we're in or I don't understand. I don't get it. So, you know, like I don't understand all these games. I couldn't keep up, you know, to where it's just kind of like this, brush it off your shoulder, kind of attitude of like, well, I can't keep up with them. So, you know, kids will be kids. Um, and, and then you just hope like, like looking back, like, or what would you say to the parents that respond that way to social media and electronics and stuff.

Speaker 1: (13:02)
So I always had a nagging feeling that I needed to do more and it was kind of like, okay, so I'm busy, I've got a career, I've got all these things that I'm involved in. The kids were getting older and it had all these things that they're involved in. And so it was kind of like all this, always this little awareness off to the side that I probably should do more, but I don't know what that is until we got to a point to where it was dangerous. You know, my child's life was on the line because of the influences of all these things. And me sitting in that spot of, I don't know what to do, so I'm not going to do anything. Um, it's just not a safe place to be bore the kids just because there is such a slippery slope with it.

Speaker 1: (13:44)
So what I recommend when you are giving them anything is you get into that thing and you look around, um, there's, I have a couple of different resources I can share with you, but, um, you need to get on whatever it is. They're wanting like roadblocks. Um, that's very, very prominent in like for younger kids. There are dangers within roadblocks and I have a podcast episode about this that I just did, but there are dangers within roadblocks, but it can be a safe place and it can be a good place for them to connect just with friends that they know or just to play, you know, on their own. And there's there. There's good out of it. You know, there's something that they're learning with that. Um, but we need to be aware of how long they're on those things versus being on, uh, you know, doing normal childhood play, being outside and, um, you know, manipulating things and, you know, discovery and all of that.

Speaker 1: (14:38)
That's all part of them growing up and learning things, problem solving all of that. It can't always be on a screen. Um, but I recommend that you just get into whatever it is. If it's on a smartphone, I would put it on your, like, if they have a phone, which I don't recommend doing the smartphone route at a young age, but that's a whole nother episode, but, um, um, get into whatever it is. If there's a chat feature, um, disabled, the chat and for roadblocks as an example, they have where people can make their own games in there. And so there's actually like sex rooms. So parents have discovered this after the fact that their kid was in there and their, um, to be, not be too graphic. I know you said you're going to put explicit on this, but they had where a character would walk up and start trying to have sex with their child's character.

Speaker 1: (15:32)
Um, and then even if you're not in one of those rooms, there's the message feature. So roadblocks automatically has it defaulted to where, when you create an account, it's now set up to where it has limits, where you cannot, um, interact with people that, you know, you don't allow. And all of these things, there's, you know, all these little features and they have it set now, but you have to be aware of that. And then you also have to be aware that you need to use roadblocks developed games, not one that someone else has created and put in there. It could be a good thing. And it's a good platform for people to learn that type of thing. But there are so many people that don't have the best of intentions for our kids that are also on there. So the biggest thing is to just, even though it's overwhelming is to be in there and be in that.

Speaker 1: (16:18)
And if you don't have time for that, um, you know, if you don't have the bandwidth in your life, don't let them have that until you have time to look at that. And I know it's, it's so, so hard right now because of the whole, um, pandemic and all of that stuff. And we all have so many things going on, but, um, it really is so very influential and powerful in their development. If you let them go it alone. So what I always recommend is like, think of it this way, that when you first let your child start swimming, you did not put them in that pool without a floaty. And with you present, this is the same thing, but on a, so much more dangerous level, on so many levels on life changing levels that will impact them, you know, their self esteem, their, all of the things that happened in our childhood that are traumatic. This would be the most traumatic thing. If you're going to throw them in that pool of the digital world, without giving them a float without guiding them into it, you know, it's just such a like expansive, huge thing. It's stranger danger to the umpteenth degree. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 3: (17:34)
I was watching childhood two point, Oh, if you guys haven't seen a watch site, it's available on YouTube, but, um,

Speaker 1: (17:42)
I was like chuffed by that. And one of the things that they had

Speaker 3: (17:45)
You said was like, basically, you're, you're inviting, uh, you think that, like you said, stranger danger was a thing, and that was the thing growing up for me as well. Um, and I ran my bike all over the place. Like I was all over the place all the time, but they're saying basically now with phones and iPads and you just letting your kids play on them, free range, um, you're basically inviting strangers into your home. You're basically unlocking your front doors and saying, Hey, my child's room is a second door on the left. Like, and, and that is, that was like, so heart wrenching to me because, you know, and I think about had I not gone in there and, you know, sat with my child, she hadn't opened those messages yet. She didn't look at him yet. And so like had she opened them, had there been graphics in there?

Speaker 3: (18:34)
Luckily nobody has sent her any pictures. They were just messages. And I guess how these people got these messages through was because they would like, uh, you know, used capital letters and lowercase letters and jumble things up to where you could still read the words, but I guess the, um, like whatever it is could get past it, you know, like there wasn't any blocks on those. And then we found as deeper digging through this game, then there was a forum and literally all the forum was, was inappropriate things. And I'm like, this is, this is like, this is insane to me. This is a kid's game, but it basically looked like it was an adults game. Like, you know, because of the things that they were talking about, all these things, and it was just crazy. How do you tell your children or have these conversations with your kiddos?

Speaker 3: (19:22)
Because we're doing this now, like I'm in this now to where they're asking me for a phone, their friends have phones, their friends are playing these games and they're like, mom, I don't get it. Why did they get a phone? When do I get a phone? And then, so I'm always guilty with that feeling of, and I Rami my kid have this experience. Um, am I going to be the bad guy, always to where then they resent me and rebel against me. And like, you're, you're constantly with your hands, like in this scale of like, okay, well, what is that? You know, like what do I do? And what's going to have the worst effect me telling him no, and being very strict on my guidelines or being a little bit loose and then having to deal with the repercussions. You're just like constantly, like, how do I keep this balance in check and what, what do I do?

Speaker 3: (20:03)
How did your conversations with your kiddos go? And, and what are your thoughts on that? So as far as phones go, it is truly a struggle because there's so many parents that aren't aware of this and are just giving them kids, their kids, a phone, there's a couple of different approaches that you can have with phones that I recommend. Um, they now have, uh, what they call like a dumb smartphone. And I have links for it on my website, but it's a gab wireless.com, uh, or gab wireless. Uh, and then there's another new phone that I have not tried out yet. Um, but it's going to be similar, but it's basically like, it has no internet access. Um, but it allows them to call and text, listen to music. And it has parental controls where you can allow

Speaker 1: (20:48)
Group text or not allow group texts, a couple of different things like that. Um, so that's a good, um, starter phone. Other things that I recommend on my podcast are things like, um, if you're just needing to stay in touch with them, but you don't want them to have access to the whole world, like say they're involved in some activities, you can get them like a gizmo watch or a relay go device relay go is kind of like a speaker thing where you talk to each other, like a walkie chalky thing. Um, and then, um, there's the dumb smartphone. And then as far as smartphones, I recommend putting on a parental control device. There's multiple ones out there. And, um, if they get an iPhone, there's more limitations than an Android because of things because of how Apple doesn't allow, um, third party things to monitor.

Speaker 1: (21:35)
Um, so the iPhone is the hardest one to monitor, uh, but there's different parental controls that you can put on there with different devices. And then, um, then that gives you some control. Plus the device will always have something like screen time. So you can go in on your phone and set their limits. And these are pretty good, you know, always setting where you like don't allow downloads of apps. You don't allow them to add contacts to their phone. Um, you know, different things like that to where you feel like you have control, but as far as like them compares, comparing themselves to other kids, it truly is a struggle until we make this more of a prevalent, um, awareness among parents. So parents quit giving their kids the smartphones at young ages, uh, my best friend. Um, so my kids are teenagers and older.

Speaker 1: (22:24)
Um, so what I've had to do with them is, um, like I didn't take the phones away, but I put parental control on there and I set up boundaries for how they could use it and what things they could do on it and what accounts they could have on it. Um, but when they're younger and they're like, you know, the ten-year-old, um, it's hard for them to see that their friends have this phone and, you know, they don't, but my best friend, she has twin girls who are 11 and they have a cousin who is the exact same age. And, uh, her and her sister-in-law are on the same page as far as, you know, the proactive approach with all of this stuff. But her sister-in-law just went and bought her, her daughter, an Android phone and, you know, put the parental controls on it when they were all on the same page to use the gab wireless phones.

Speaker 1: (23:12)
So now the twin girls are coming in saying she has this and we have this, you know, and it's like, it's like substandard to what she has. It's very, very frustrating. She's very, uh, the mom is very frustrated about it because it's like now her girls think that they have less than, but what she is just doing is talking to them. She's talked to them about the risks of, um, you know, sexual predators and grooming and stuff that goes on when you're on social media and then also the effect of self esteem and the comparison game and all of that stuff. And so she's sticking to her guns with it. And what I've heard from teenagers who have had their parents do this at, is that, um, when they get a little bit older, they say, thank you. I can see how my, that affected my friends versus me not having that. So in, in that they are going to be frustrated and think that you're the mean parent and stuff like that.

Speaker 3: (24:06)
But, um, this truly is

Speaker 1: (24:09)
Such an impactful thing. Uh, I think that giving them their first phone is probably the biggest mistake that I made

Speaker 3: (24:16)
In terms of the age.

Speaker 1: (24:18)
I gave it to them that I didn't have any boundaries or limits set up. I had no awareness of the dangers and some of the things that have happened with them, I can't take back, you know, and it's affected life decisions. It's affected the things, the choices that they make in life, and they're all thriving and doing well. But some of the stuff that I see as the subtle self-esteem things, um, you know, and so we're working on building them back up, but we need to be always building our kids up, not letting them being broken down by this thing that we let them always have. And the other thing I wanted to say about that is

Speaker 3: (24:54)
With any of

Speaker 1: (24:55)
The digital things that you allow your kid to have, even if it's not a phone, even if it's just playing a game on a computer or they have a tablet for school or whatever, um, set up boundaries with it in terms of not allowing it in the bedroom, if that's possible, um, and always being in a public space, if you can,

Speaker 3: (25:13)
I can't like really be in the game

Speaker 1: (25:16)
That they're doing, have them sit with you to do it. Groomers will often try to contact kids and say, are you by yourself or your parents around and try to get them to go into a private chat, to talk to them. And then eventually like, here's my phone, phone number, add me to your contacts. And that that's how they, you know, skate past the parents. Right? Um, the other thing is, um, putting it away at a certain time at night, having limits on how much they can use, um, but seriously putting it away at night and not allowing you to the bedroom is such a huge, huge thing that you can do that. So,

Speaker 3: (25:51)
Um, if you're, if the,

Speaker 1: (25:54)
Your kid already has this stuff and you've had no boundaries, it makes it a sticky situation because they think you just don't trust them. But it really just has to be an open and honest conversation about how much you love them, and you want to build them up and, um, that you're trying to protect them. And that it's not that you don't trust them, it's that you don't trust the people in that device, the apps that they're using, this type of thing, you know, come from a place of love. And, um, just letting them know that it's not them as a person or anything they've done. It's what it influences them to do. And what's on there. If that makes.

Speaker 3: (26:28)
Yeah, I think I've come to the realization of, uh, that this is a new kind of era new situation that we're in. And I feel like, you know, would we, we don't feel guilty when we take away the knives from our toddlers, you know, cause they're grabbing things and they want things. We are always, you know, bringing them down off the, the height, you know, places and taking things away and they're mad at us, but we don't once question ourselves when they're, you know, when we, when they're throwing a fit and they're throwing a tantrum to where it's such a weird feeling to, to be, this is also we're taking the knives away. Like, you know, when we are telling them no and putting boundaries on the phone, that's exactly what we're doing is we're keeping our kids safe, but yet we feel guilty about it.

Speaker 3: (27:08)
And we feel like we're the bad guys. And somehow we're ruining their childhood, um, by not letting them be like all their friends. And I feel like this is, like you said, one of those times where we just need to hang in there and have trust in what we're doing. And I think one of the things that I'm going to hold on to that you said was that, you know, older kids would say that they are thankful. Like, thank you mom. Like, so I could just picture my kids being like, thank you, mom. Like, I'm not depressed because of you. I'm not, I don't compare myself to other people. I'm not addicted to my phone. And that's another thing that after watching these, you know, the social experiment and childhood 2.0, which if you guys haven't seen it, you definitely need to watch it. It's hard to watch because it's like the brutal truth.

Speaker 3: (27:53)
It's like looking in a mirror and I think that's why some of us avoid it, but I feel like it's necessary. Um, especially childhood 2.0, cause it's a lot of, uh, kids, it's like a discussion between kids and you're hearing exactly what they're saying. And one of the kids said if, if phones could be taken away, like if we could go back and decide not to have phones, we'd all be better for it. And he was like, yeah, I don't, if everybody else didn't have a phone, I wouldn't want my phone. And it would be great. Um, and so watching that has made me also be aware of my own phone usage to where I'm like, wow, like they really do pick up on our habits and what we're doing and what things we prioritize. So if I'm carrying my phone from one room to the other, then what do I expect them to do when they get one or what, you know, when I hand them one and then I'm like all of a sudden like, Oh no, but you can't be on in between, you know, seven and eight. And they're like, well, mom, you're on it. Like all the time. Right. So now I'm having to do that work too, because I know my time is yeah. As being an example is,

Speaker 1: (28:56)
Is part of it too. Yeah. Yeah. If you could go back,

Speaker 3: (29:01)
I think this, I think I want to let everybody know because you have some great resources, like immediately when I went to you, I found your website and I downloaded your resources, resources guide. And um, then it was like, okay, I need to get into this podcast. Cause I thought, I just, you just assume it's going to be later. Right. So I thought that I had years, I thought that I wouldn't have to dig into this until I handed them a phone, but I was so wrong. I need to already be into it before that time comes. And so I'm going to make sure if you guys are listening that, um, Dolly's linked for everything that you like literally will need, will be in this podcast, show notes for this episode. So you can just and link and

Speaker 1: (29:42)
Go right to it. But Dolly, I wanted the last thing I wanted to ask you was what would you tell, like if you could tell yourself any piece of advice in this, regarding this context that we're talking about, what would you tell her if she came and sat next to you today and was like, what should I do about this? What would you change? You know, like if you could do it over, if I could go back and like talk to my myself when I was younger. Oh gosh. Yeah. I, uh, as hard, um, it's hard without getting emotional. Um, I would not, I would tell her to not be, feel pressured to give a phone. Um, when my kids were at the age where everybody was getting phones, this, the gab wireless phone in the Southern new phone I've found it didn't exist. So they're like a mother's dream.

Speaker 1: (30:41)
When I look at them and the parental controls, none of that existed back then. So I really didn't have the resources. Um, but I would have delayed the phone, you know, I would have just not given the phone and I wish I would have spent, especially with my youngest, um, more time, face to face with him, just letting him know he's enough. Um, my second born to my daughter, um, her and her sister are much different. And so there's a lot of comparison that goes on there. Um, they, each are beautiful humans. They both have amazing strengths. They're both thriving doing well in what they love. Um, but she's played the comparison game, I think for a long time. Um, so I think the most impactful thing would be when I gave a phone and what phone I gave and then keeping the conversation going with all of them and not allowing, um, all of these influences, especially in those middle school years.

Speaker 1: (31:47)
I think the middle school years are, Oh my God, they are telling like, you're like in the fire those years. And so if you can keep a phone out of their hands or key or have them do one of the dumb smartphone things, um, I think that is the most impactful thing that you can do. And uh, okay. The fact that their classmates will probably have a phone makes it so much harder because then they'll just be shown what is on their classmates phones. So, um, the other thing would just be sharing with everybody that I know and awareness of this and let's spread it. You know, let's, let's be that mom that is proactive for her kids and that is helping other kids to, um, you know, to not go down this path. My, my youngest, the, the things that we went through, um, with him, there are friends that their parents don't see or care what is going on.

Speaker 1: (32:46)
And I've tried, I've tried to help and some have taken the help and other ones. I'm not someone that they associate with now in the world. Um, so it's incredibly, incredibly hard when parents don't want to be the proactive one and they don't want to take the effort to do those things. But I think every mother out there, we all have a deep love for our child and we would die for them. Right. And so on some level, we need to spread this between moms and get this awareness out there and dads too, you know, just to take the effort to not just be, you know, put that phone in their hand and not allow them to just do all the things. And I really think what you're going to face now, um, with your kids and your age, I didn't face that with like roadblocks and those things. Cause those games just aren't there yet. Right. But now they are. And so truly, it's just sitting down with your kid and being a part of everything that they're a part of. So I don't even know if I answered your question, but

Speaker 3: (33:47)
Yeah, that was good. No, I think you have me, you have me shook now. I'm like, uh, we're in those middle school years though.

Speaker 1: (33:57)
And it's, I truly, I think that the most impactful thing is just not folding to the, um, to the pressure of giving that full blown phone. You know,

Speaker 3: (34:08)
Honestly, I think it's the lack of, I think it's a lot of us don't even know, like you think, you know, right. Like I know I learned about gab wireless recently, but like how many people are there and we're so busy and not, we just, we just don't see everything. And so I feel like it's just the, we don't know, or a lot of us aren't aware. And so if we were all on the same page, like, I mean, how much does a gab phone cost? Probably like nothing compared to what a new iPhone costs.

Speaker 1: (34:38)
Oh yeah. It's a, it's 99 right now. And then I have a code for $10 off. So it's $89. That's nothing compared to an iPhone. Right. Yet most people won't blink it, putting an iPhone in their kids' hands. So very, very affordable. Um, and they're rugged too. They're not like, you know, you're going to drop and break them. So it'd be perfect for a kid. And I don't think we need to rush that, but at some point when they're involved in activities and stuff, they'll, you know, you'll want to have a way to keep them connected. So choosing the, um, you know, the one that doesn't have all the bells and whistles and won't connect to the world would be, um, the, uh, the best bet for you. So, and other than that, I know it's, uh, I, I have my three kids survived their middle school years. Your you will survive.

Speaker 1: (35:30)
It's just, um, it got much more Rocky when we added in the devices, um, and the younger ones. So you just have to keep that conversation open with them, let them know that, um, they are loved and then, you know, watch what circle they're hanging out with and stuff like that. Yeah. Know, the parents know, um, you know, have all the contact information. I'm ashamed to say that some of the parents that my kids were hanging out with, I didn't know who them, and that was part of the problem too. So, um, you know, it's just, you know, they talk to each other, they all had phones, they're all talking to each other on their phones. So I don't need to know the parents because, you know, they have each other's phone numbers. And then just like in, that's one of the places where we fell through, which just, we're so busy.

Speaker 1: (36:18)
And so I'm ashamed to say that, but, and if you guys, if you guys think, cause I felt this for a while too, if you guys think that having these conversations early that are, that you feel like are so, um, beyond their age or that, you know, we want to hold on to that innocence or that, you know, like childhood kind of feeling with them, we don't want to expose them to anything. So we're afraid to have these conversations. I've changed my tune on that and that, no, I'm going to be the one who had the first conversation and I'm going to have it early because kids are getting more introduced to things earlier and earlier. So if I think that I'm too early having this conversation, I'm probably already too late. And also if I don't, another kid will like, so if I don't already talk to them about social media and like the things that they can be exposed to, well, then somebody else is going to show him because like you said, other kids are going to have phones and if their parents weren't aware or taking the precautions, and now they're showing my kid, these things, you're talking to Mike and these things.

Speaker 1: (37:22)
And so they're being exposed to it anyways. So it's just whether I do it or they do it. And there's going to be two different outcomes based on who does it first. Um, yeah. So, and another thing you could do that I didn't mention at home as far as just setting up for, um, reducing the chance of exposure is have a wifi filter. I mean, you know, if your kid is going to school from home and having to use a school issue device, um, or even if you have your own device, have a wifi filter that has parental controls on it. So you can actually set it up to where it can't go to certain websites. Um, you can set it up to where it shuts down certain devices at night. Um, different things like that. I am not a tech person. My, my husband does all that, but the couple of ones, the one that I hear the most about, I have no affiliation with them.

Speaker 1: (38:16)
They're called Griffin or Griffon. It's G R Y P H O N. Um, but it has, um, a good setup. And it seems like it's user friendly for the non tech person where you can set it up to where you name devices, according to who has it, and then, um, who has that device. And then you can shut them down. You can limit certain websites. So then that way it's kind of doing some of the work for you. And I'll give you the information for the other thing, the parental control thing for bark that I use that, um, you know, does some of the work for you and monitoring things when you do give the devices and the access to the different things and bark monitors, things like, um, their email, um, the Google drive, different places where, you know, they can be accessing or

Speaker 3: (39:03)
Because just something you put on their computer or their phone, or like you, and it does all the things for you. Like it's basically a watchdog.

Speaker 1: (39:13)
Yeah. And when we kind of had, you know, cans can open worms, everywhere are situation where it was suddenly, like all of a sudden we have to focus on this because this is a huge issue. And, um, our youngest was just like so far gone in the mindset that it was like, nothing we said was, uh, could touch him, you know? And so it took us a while to bring him back to us. Um, I spent nights where I would wake up. I can't get emotional here. Um, I would wake up in a panic because some of the stuff that was happening was when we were at the sleep. And, um, so I would wake up in a panic, like, what am I missing? Am I, am I still missing something? Um, we had him sleep in our bedroom for a while because there was, there was so much that we couldn't, we didn't know what was going on right under our nose, but installing bark allowed me to start sleeping again at night. Um, just knowing that that was kind of monitoring and alerting me of things. And then, um, having a wifi filter that could cut it off at the past, you know, where it won't access sites with certain ratings, um, you know, certain sites that have different content on them. Um, so that's another way to kind of give yourself a little bit of peace of mind. And so you don't feel like you always have to be the one that's on cause you you're trying to handle 10,000 other things too, right?

Speaker 3: (40:40)
Yeah. Yeah. I know for all the working parents out, even, even any parent, you just have all the things. Right. And you're just like trying to barely stay above water, keep your kids out of the toilet water. Cause that's my life right now. Um, but like I have a one year old who's into everything. Um, and then adding in all the stress of like, okay, wait, how do I do all these things that is so comforting to where now I'm like, okay, Dolly, tell me all the things to put on all the things I was like, wifi, what? Like, I need to go get this right now. And so

Speaker 1: (41:15)
Is going to also have a life I think come out is called bark home. It's in a beta testing right now, so it's not out yet, but it'll be a part of bark. So if you sign up for bark and it's at bark.us, if you go to just bark.com, you'll get like dog stuff, but go to bark.us. And that's, um, basically it's kind of like bark, bark, bark, wake up, you know, two something's going on, but go to bark.us. And my code is be that mom, if you want 20% off, but, um, they will have a bark home wifi filter. And with all of these things, they're not completely foolproof with the savvy kid or savvy teen there's ways around anything. Right. But this gives you a starting point and this gives you, um, eyes on things. And the, the best thing about bark is as they get older, it is basically kind of like it's monitoring conversations, but it doesn't tell you everything.

Speaker 1: (42:09)
So it gives them privacy, but it will alert you of things you need to know about like there's one story of a mom last year in 2019, um, she had no idea that her daughter was suicidal and her daughter started having a conversation through text or something. And she got 150 50 notifications from bark. All of a sudden of all of these things that she was saying, and she was on the brink of suicide. And so the mom says that this saved her daughter's life because she truly had no clue so much can happen between all of the digital things that you just don't know. And the nature of being a teen or, you know, a kid growing up, you don't have the, the mind capacity to think through all of it like an adulthood. So this is a, it's just the extra eyes on there, but it also gives them privacy.

Speaker 1: (43:00)
So it's not like violating any privacy laws. It's just basically like a filter. And it's going to say, Hey, you know, bark, bark, bark, just wake up, come on. You need to look at this. I get emails every couple of days. I mean, I get alerts every couple of days on my son's emails and it's picking up words in his emails that are of concern, but I can look through them. And then I can Mark that. I don't want to be notified about this because it's not something to be concerned about, you know? Yeah. So it's just that extra set of eyes for you allows you to sleep at night, you know,

Speaker 3: (43:34)
That's so great. Um, and like I said, you guys, if you haven't watched childhood 2.0 bark is on there. That's how I learned about Barkley. They do a lot of, and they did an experiment on there that is mind blowing with an 11 year old. They pretended to be like an 11 year old. It literally took one minute of her account to go live before she started getting explicit messages. And it was just insane. So you guys have to watch it. It's, I mean, it's just so eyeopening and Darlene, I want to thank you for being that mom. Like you're like, I love that your podcast is named that and your movement has made that because, um, we need you to tell us to do all these things. Like, like immediately when, you know, I was in that situation, I was like, where's Dali, where's all her things. Where's her website. How do I help me, help me? Like, you know, and so I feel like, um, you're, you're doing a great service to all of us. And I hope that everybody who hears this reaches out to you, if they need help, um, or goes to your website, you guys, she has all the links. She has all the codes,

Speaker 1: (44:32)
Everything you could possibly need that is available right now. And that will help you get started. I feel like you're a great resource for us as parents, Dolly. So thank you so much. Thank you for taking your time to talk to us in your closet, kids running around. At one point, I had like a meltdown I heard outside of this room that I'm in. And so, um, I just appreciate you so much for making this happen and telling us, and, um, hopefully helping us keep our kids out of as much dangerous we can in this social media world. That is just nuts right now. Yeah. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I'm glad to help anyone. So reach out to me. And, um, I'm, I'm that mom, I, that mom now because of a plea, my phrase for be that mom actually came from me sitting on my porch in my darkest hardest moment.

Speaker 1: (45:21)
Um, as a parent sitting on my front porch, when the realization came just of how, just how deep we were into this and how much I wasn't aware of what's going on. And I made a plea on social media. I took a picture of myself crying as I sat there. And I'm like, this is as real as it gets. Um, I was afraid to be that mom, that ousted my kid. I was afraid to be that mom that made my kid look different. I was afraid to be that mom that put limitations on my kid, but I, I plead with you, you right now that you be that mom for your kid. So you don't have to go through the things I'm going through now. And that's when that phrase took off and people were commenting and messaging me and I got hundreds of messages saying, this is what we've been through.

Speaker 1: (46:04)
You know, this is how I handled it, or we're going through the same thing. Or my kid is this age. Tell me what you did and what I need to do. And so that's how this movement started was I was just like, Oh my God, like, I'm not alone. I have nothing to be ashamed about. You know, cause I sat in a place of shame and kind of hiding it for a while because I was just like, I can't believe this happened. How could this happen to us? You know? And, um, it was not moment that I was like, Holy cow, this is something that I, I need to help other people with. And so that's how it all started. So be that mom for your kiddo, um, it will be worth it for their future.

Speaker 2: (46:44)
Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join Dolly's free community till next time.