Does your kid deserve privacy when you give them a phone?

Episode 35:

Privacy when giving our kids smart phones is a topic many moms debate. Is it something they deserve from the get go or something to be earned? As the mother of three, I have been on both sides of the fence. Listen in to hear more!

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Full Transcription: 

Speaker 1: (00:03)
Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable, real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the bead that mom movement with your host Dolly Denson. Okay. So I am coming to you.

Speaker 2: (00:28)
You live from my makeshift. She shed in my closet. If you've heard my visage, you knew what I'm talking about. If you haven't listened to other episodes, you're like what in the world she talking about? But anyways, I do my podcast recordings in my closet, and I have a funny story to tell you about my closet. Just hang on, hang on. It's going to be funny. I promise. So I have a walk-in closet. The house that we live in is the second house that we have designed and had built for us. And our first house that we had built was when my kids were much younger. It's actually like 20 years ago now. Holy cow. But the closet we, we like had the whole house custom built, you know, so we made the plans. We had a personal friend who built houses and coordinated the contractors and all of that stuff.

Speaker 2: (01:17)
And he had a guy that would come in and do all the trim work toward the end. And that same guy did the trim work on the second house that we had built, which is the one we live in now. And in that first house, he designed the closet to where it had like a section where it was, you know, there was a bar down lower that you could put shirts on and then a bar up higher, you could put shirts on. And then another section that was like, where you could put dresses and pants and things like that. Okay. So he designed it that way. We loved that design, but the way it worked out was that when my husband hung his shirts, because they were longer, they would drag on the ground of the closet. So that bottom like bar, he would never use it.

Speaker 2: (01:58)
It was like, it wasn't even there because of the distance that it was measured for. And so when we were having this house built and this trim guy came in, you know, and wanted to talk to me about all the details of everything I told him in our closet, can you put the shelves a little bit higher? Because my husband couldn't use that bottom shelf in the other house or that bottom, you know, bar in the other house because of his height. And so just, you know, like put them a little bit higher and he was looked confused and you know, like, okay, I can do that. And my explanation was his higher, not mine higher, not the rest of the house higher. Well, what he actually went and did was put the entire house higher, which is kind of a problem for me at five foot three.

Speaker 2: (02:44)
So all of our, the bars and the closets are really high. And I actually have to use a stepping stool in order to reach my upper bar in my closet. So just a unique little side note about the lovely closet that I record these podcast episodes in currently. So anyways, tonight it is actually at night, it's actually early morning while I'm recording this. It's like 1:00 AM I stayed up way too late, which is so, so bad. I know Shannon, if you're listening, I know, I know Shannon's a good friend of mine and she's like the sleep GRU and she's always like, you need to get more sleep and getting more sleep is so powerful. And I knew it is as a nurse practitioner, as someone who's walked the path of, you know, trained to change. My habits, sleep is so important, but I have just been staying up too late lately.

Speaker 2: (03:35)
And I just had something on my mind that I wanted to record real quick before I go to bed. And so this one's going to be short and sweet, but what I want to talk about is when it comes to privacy in your kid's phone. And I don't even know if I've done an episode about this before, but what I want to talk about is privacy and giving a kid a phone. I've seen it go both ways in different parenting groups. I'm in where moms are shamed for not monitoring their phones and moms are shamed for monitoring their phones. And the ones that don't monitor will shame the ones that do monitor and say, why can't you just trust your kid and all of this stuff? And it's so frustrating to me. Um, but I also understand the viewpoint too, because as you know, I was completely naive to all of the dangers and all of that.

Speaker 2: (04:21)
And that's how this podcast podcast came to be. But standing on the side of it that I am on now, this is my viewpoint, and this is what I think we need to get to in terms of being that mom in the, that mom movement is that privacy is earned. It is not a right. We do not give them a smartphone at the age of 11 or 12 and expect that they're going to be able to just navigate it and give them privacy around that. There's too many things lurking in there that could go astray and without monitoring in guidance, on our part with our child and how they interact with the digital world, how much time they spend on that screen, what things they have access to, what they can download when they have to put it away. And we're not guiding them on those things, they will go astray, especially when we're giving them these things at younger and younger ages. And so I don't shame or fault any parent who doesn't understand the importance of this because I didn't either. I surely didn't, but here's the thing. It was

Speaker 3: (05:34)
A mom that was

Speaker 2: (05:36)
Somewhat monitoring her kid that helped me realize what was going on with mine. And so if it wasn't for her, things would have gotten more off track than they did. And so I'm so very grateful for that mom that did that, that took her kids phone up at night and just happened to see something that she knew she needed to contact the other parents about. So my standpoint on it is that yes, they deserve privacy as they get older, but it needs to be something that is earned as we give guidance. As we monitor, as we, you know, are there with them looking at things. And if we don't have time to do that, number one, they probably shouldn't have like free reign of everything because we don't have time to monitor it. But number two, we have things like the dumb smartphones that don't give them access to the entire world.

Speaker 2: (06:26)
We have watches and things that you can give them if they're really young and you just need to keep track of them, but don't want them to have access to the whole world. And then we have bark and bark home to help us. So we have all of those things to help us. So it is absolutely your decision in your right as to how things go with your family. Every kid is different. Every family is different, every situation is different. And so what I encourage you to do is just take a stance of this being something that is earned and not a right, and that as they get older, you can let that out a little bit as you know, that they have developed their responsibility and stuff, while also still keeping boundaries set up for, uh, the amount of use that they have and the things that they access and things such as that.

Speaker 2: (07:11)
So anyways, just wanted to share those few thoughts with you because I see it all the time. And it's frustrating to me on both ends because there's just so much variability in this. And so we just need to start from a stance of being proactive around this and then go from there and also not judge each other, not shame each other. And if you yourself want a judgment free zone to come and be able to share what is going on, you know, get feedback, um, just vent, whatever I have my free community on Facebook. It is, um, the be that mom movement community, and you can search for it, or you can find the link in my show notes, but join us over there. We just hit a hundred members. I'm super excited about that. And, um, I just hope to build that as a place it's a no judgment zone and anyone that does come in there and judge, um, you know, and is somehow negative.

Speaker 2: (08:04)
They won't be allowed to stay because I'm creating that as a place for you to have a safe space, to discuss the concerns you have with your child, to find resources, you know, tools and a, just a group of moms that can support you in this, because this is absolutely something that is across the board, across the world, a challenge that we're all facing with our kids. And it is like the most pivotal that is that I say that right, most pivotal decision that we can make in our child's life is when we give them a device, what we allow them to access and what guidance we give them. Okay. So I don't know why my voice sounds kind of raspy, but it's been kind of a crazy week. And I'm actually was off half of the week from my nurse practitioner job because of mild COVID symptoms, which I don't think our COVID, but I had to take extra precautions because of the population that I see. So maybe that's why I've had drainage and a sore throat and stuff like that. But so anyways, I will chat with you next time. I hope you found this help.

Speaker 1: (09:05)
Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join Dolly's free community till next time.