Is your kid's technology use affecting school performance?

Episode 14: A teacher's perspective

with Maggie Toney, mother of five and teacher

Eeeeek! Ever wonder how your kid shows up in the classroom? Are they confident and focused, or are they distracted and anxious? Do they give up their phone easily, as they are used to those boundaries at home, or panic if the phone is not in their immediate possession.

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I'm afraid my kids were likely the latter, until recently, as I had no clue where or how to set boundaries, or that it even mattered (until it was crazy evident that it did)!.

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Tune in to this episode for an interview with my good friend Maggie Toney, who is a mom of five, and a teacher of teens, where she shares her unique perspective from the vantage point as a mom to her kiddos ranging in age from six to twenty three, and her observations of how the boundaries and precedent around these things at home is mirrored in the classroom.

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Oh and psssttt... if you are THAT mom that is like... yikesssss... I had no idea! Don't worry! That is why we are having this convo and why I am here to help you #beTHATMom!

As mentioned, get your FREE book download on Audible and 30 Day Audible Trial here if time is of the essence but you love to explore new books and info while on the go http://www.audibletrial.com/BeTHATMomMovement

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Book mentioned in the episode(on Amazon and a free download with audible trial): Disconnected by Thomas Kersting

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Giving your kid their first phone! Consider GABB Wireless, the creators of a phone that can give your child the perks of a phone without giving them access to the world and the world to them, sort of like training wheels on a bike, for a bike that could potentially change the trajectory of their entire life. Use code BETHATMOM for extra $$$ off!! https://www.gabbwireless.com

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Want to be THAT Mom besties??? Text BETHATMom to 50597 and jump in to my free Be THAT Mom Movement Facebook Community HERE! 

Email me at [email protected] or connect with me on IG @dollydenson https://www.instragram.com/dollydenson

More info on the Be THAT Mom Movement https://www.dollydenson.com

Simplify your fitness/nutrition routine! Join me in the Align Your Life Fit Club! More info can be found at https://www.dollydenson.com/fitclub

Listen in here or go to https://bit.ly/bethatmompodcast or check out the transcription below! 

Full Transcription:

(00:00): This is episode 14 of the be that mom movement podcast. And today I am so excited to bring to you an interview. I made with my friend, Maggie, who is a teacher and a mama of five, and who has a unique perspective and vantage point of this whole digital age thing. So stay tuned,

(00:22): Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the be that mom movement with your host Dolly Denson.

(00:47): So before we get to the interview, I just wanted to highlight a review of the week. And if you have not yet left me a review and you love my show and you find it very valuable, please hop over there and do it. It's really simple. I personally hadn't left reviews on many podcasts until recently, because I didn't realize how easy it was to do it. So please leave me a review. I would greatly appreciate it. But today's review is from petty girl or P E T T Y G R L. And she says, I love Dolly's show episode three hits very close to home. As we have struggled with screen time in our home, I just recently deleted the game fortnight as it caused so much agitation and stress. Thank you for your wisdom and insight. I'm looking forward to more episodes. Best of luck, Dolly.

(01:36): Thank you so much for this review. And I think that you are going to find today's episode super helpful. Hey, Hey, episode 14, O M G. I'm so excited to bring this to you today. I am chatting all things digital age and being that mom with my friend, Maggie, who is a mama and a teacher, and who has a very unique perspective. And I think that she's going to bring you a lot of value in a lot of things to think about in terms of your children and how all of the digital things affects their mindset affects their concentration, affects their ability to perform well in their education, in their school. And just the whole trying to grasp all of how the digital stuff affects them. So stay tuned and let's get moving.

(02:28): My name is Maggie Toney and I'm a mom and a teacher. I have five children. I have two adult children who don't live with us anymore. Our oldest is 23. She'll be 24 in October. She lives in Chicago, she's in the world of theater. And then our next oldest is going to be 21 in the fall and he's on his own and working and supporting himself still kind of trying to figure out what, you know, what he wants to do, but he's doing okay. And then our three little ones are almost 10 and eight and six. So we've sort of seen, uh, the, the digital issues, that technology issues from, from all developmental standpoints. And then I, and then I'm also a teacher, like I said, I teach high school English and debate primarily sophomores, but I see students of all ages. So I'll talk a little bit about what we've seen as parents in the home, and then I'll, and then I'll talk about what I see in the classroom as a teacher, because it's, it's, it's two, it's two sides of the same coin is what I'm seeing.

(03:34): So when our two oldest first got their cell phones, when they were in middle school, sixth, seventh grade, my husband and I weren't that fussed about getting them, like we were okay. They have to have a cell phone when they need a cell phone. We weren't too terribly worried about it, their respective, Oh, their parents. So I'm our oldest daughter's step-mom. My husband is our oldest son's father. So their mother and father respectively decided for reasons that I'm not going to go into that very important that they had cell phones. And so I, and we were like, well, we wouldn't have done it this early, but we really didn't think much about it because a we weren't having to pay for them, which was honestly our biggest concern. Cause it's expensive. And so we, we really had no thought about social media, about the distraction of cell phones.

(04:29): It did occur to me with, uh, with our son that, Oh, well, if he's got this phone, then I can use it as a tool to leverage behavior. So, you know, it's one more, it's one more thing if he gets grounded or whatever I can. So, so in that, and I, I say that out loud and I'm so embarrassed that I was like, no, it's fine. If he has a phone, cause then I can take it away from him if he's naughty. And I feel like, I feel like I was so naive and then that's just, that's not great parenting. And then it was just, just so many things wrong with that. So I'm really I'm blushing right now. I can totally relate. Don't worry. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's like one more way to sort of it's very well, it's speaks to very reactive parenting and you, and I both know now that we reactive parenting is not going to cut the mustard.

(05:15): We have to be proactive. Parenting has to be just way. We have to be way, way ahead of the game and the kids at every step. And that was very reactive parenting. So what we noticed gradually, and honestly we didn't notice the bulk of it until I started picking up on some stuff in the classroom and then translating it back to what I was seeing with our then older teenage children. And we didn't really notice problems until the kids were quite a bit older. Like I said, they were 12, 13, something like that when they, when they got their cell phones. So, but what we, what we saw and what we can look back now with hindsight is that the biggest impact for both of our, who are very different in nature was the hit to their self esteem. The exposure to absolutely everybody doing anything on social media had them constantly trying to measure up and trying to, you know, and, and so, I mean, there was an, there was an episode where I really felt like my son was going to choke to death in the shower because he had done that stupid cinnamon challenge.

(06:24): So he's inhaled all the cinnamon into his. And so I'm, I'm torn between this sort of, you know, you play with fire, you're going to get burned and I'm trying not to laugh, but then I'm also like, okay, is he actually going to choke to death? You know, so I'm really sort of torn, but even then we weren't really thinking about, you know, these sort of silly challenges and it was way more than the challenges. Cause I think any kid who does a challenge and survives it is like, okay, well that was stupid and I'm not going to do it again. Then our daughter especially, um, was just exposed to so much more in the, in the way of this just hit after hit, after hit to her self esteem that we did not anticipate, we didn't see coming. We still can't even enumerate all the ways that it happened, that we, we absolutely saw it and frankly are still, you know, without going into detail, we're still feeling the repercussions of it.

(07:15): I can totally understand that. Yes. I know that you, you know, the language I'm speaking you, so there's no, there's just so, so much. And then, and then our son is more he's he's um, you know, the male mind works differently, right? So, so still susceptible to self-esteem hits, but I'm much more pragmatic thinker. So he wasn't quite as negatively impacted there, but still definite negative impacts there. And it sort of fed into his tendency to anxiety. And it was less the social media in terms of comparing yourself to other people as social media, as this dumping ground, for anybody to say anything. And all of these news reports about various and sundry happenings in the world and locally, and it was sort of a source of anxiety for him and still can be. And so we really hadn't anticipated any of that. We started paying attention because I was like, okay, so, so this thing that our oldest daughter has said, I'm actually seeing something like this in the classroom, the flip side. (08:19): So we start paying attention and we started talking and we agreed that our little guys there's really no need for them to have cell phones that early there's no need for them to be exposed to social media that early and right about then was when I know that you started having your struggles. And so I was paying very close attention, you know, from the, from the, both the professional aspect, but then the personal aspect, cause I'm personally connected and some I'm paying close attention to that and I'm bringing it home to my husband and we're talking through it and talking about it. We had at one point bought anticipating road trips to see family and road trips to, you know, to, to, to, you know, just summer road trips, you know, um, with our kiddos, we had bought tablets for them. I'm thinking we can let them watch movies and stuff and play games in the car.

(09:05): And that very quickly sort of bled over into, okay, well, can I, can I watch a movie now? And can I play a game now? And we figured out very quickly with all three kids, but especially with the oldest of our three younger children, our son, um, who's almost 10 that it wasn't going to be enough for him to have boundaries. It wasn't going to be enough for him to have like time cutoffs and stuff. He was not capable of managing that for himself. And he has some obsessive tendencies. He's not anywhere close to being full OCD. He's not on the autism spectrum by any stretch, but he has some tendencies that are sort of inherited from both sides of the family that make him sort of hyper focus on things that he wants. And he was very, very difficult to tear away from the tablet.

(09:56): And then when we would take it away from him because he wouldn't lay it down voluntarily, it was almost like watching withdrawal from a drug. And it was sort of, we were both my husband and I were both terribly alarmed and it took several days for that to pass. And we got rid of the tablets because we didn't have, we were like, Nope, Nope, Nope. That is not going to no, absolutely not. So we talk often with our children, you know, we have televisions in the house that are connected to the internet now, fire TV and whatever, where you can actually browse the internet from the TV, with your remote. And they are not allowed to go on YouTube at all. You know, my sons like to watch tornado videos cause you know, they're fun that way, but that stuff is on YouTube and they're not allowed to go on YouTube because I know that there are ways for people to contact children and uh, you know, their, their communication methods through, through YouTube.

(10:48): And you have talked on your podcast about predators sitting in, waiting, sitting in, waiting. They're looking for, for, for, for tags, for clues, okay. This is a young person that is naive. That's maybe not being watched and that I can, I can maybe, you know, sort of work on, on from a predatory standpoint. So allowed to, to, to access any internet at all. They, they just don't need to they're in elementary school, they don't need to. So when my, when my son was having all of that withdrawal struggle, it, it echoed very strongly. What I see in the classroom as a teacher, as a teacher, because the cell phones are such a terrible distraction. And because, because my students, I have yet to see with one or two exceptions, a student who, if the phone is in the pocket, or if the phone is in the backpack and easily accessible, can avoid picking it up and looking at it even once or twice during class, they just can't, they can't seem to do it.

(11:48): Now. I have students who come to school without cell phones, either because they don't own them, whatever reason or because their parents are like, that's no, absolutely not. Cause they already know. And that's great. But the kids who have them can't keep their eyes and hands and minds off of them. And so what I do is I use a calculator, storage, caddy that's numbered, and my students store their cell phones away from them where they can see them and keep an eye on them and nobody's stealing them, but they store them away from their bodies and, and a part of the classroom where, where they're not going to be walking past it naturally, anyway, it's not hanging by the door so that they aren't tempted to grab it on the way out to the restroom or something. And that I, and I'm pretty draconian about enforcing that I have, I have some of the strictest policies in the school, but it works for me because my kids don't get distracted in the classroom and I don't have cell phone problems in the classroom.

(12:42): So have you seen, I know I'm Dustin described this before, where they like pitch a fit like at the beginning of the year or when they realize they've got to be strict with the rules detox thing, or they feel like they can't physically exist without the phone in their hand. I'll tell you, I'll tell you one of the most alarming episodes that I've ever seen was first day of first day of school, I usually manage to make students cry because I'm a tough grader or because I'm hard on, you know, I'm hard on them in terms of, you know, holding them to high behavioral expectations and academic standards. And so occasionally, you know, every year I have one or two students cry, I have never made a student cry on the first day of school though, until this child, I always introduce my cell phone policy first day heads up.

(13:31): As soon as you get your number assigned to you, this is where your cell phone is going to go. And I had a student start to get the panic and then burst into hysterical tears. I had to, I had to have the students step out into the hall because hysterical is the word for it. And let me tell you Dolly, it was one of my football players, the thought of not having in his hand, his cell phone for 45 minutes. And he got hysterical. This is first day of school. He's hyperventilating, he's sobbing in the hallway. He's getting like high pitch. It was, it was, I mean, pardon my language. It was the damnedest thing I have ever seen. It was like 10th grade, like a sophomore. Yes, this is a sophomore. This is a 10 year old boy plays football. And he's doing this in front of his classmates.

(14:20): There's no sense of, I don't, I don't want anybody to see me like this. He was so overwhelmed with panic. And you know, initially I thought, okay, this child is a spoiled little ridiculous person and in shame on his parents. But, but you know, when I stepped out to deal with him, he, this kid was having a panic attack. It was absolutely a panic attack. Like he couldn't control his breathing and he was, he was hysterical and it was, it was awful. It was alarming. And I've never seen anything like it, except in my son at home, when we took his tablet away, I can't let my children get to this point. So we worked it out. We figured out, you know, and he was fine and everything was fine. And he survived the school year without being able to play with his cell phone.

(15:05): But it was, it was a real eye opener. And I fought if parents could see, and maybe they are seeing, maybe they're seeing this sort of, you know, minor versions of this panic, panicky, hysteria at home when their kids aren't having their phones, you know, maybe the parents are seeing it and going, Oh, fine. Just take your phone because it's easier to deal with. I don't have that luxury at school. I don't, I don't have that luxury. And frankly, I've refused to give into that temptation at home. Cause it's, it's not good for my children.

(15:34): So as a, from a teacher standpoint, it really would be beneficial to have more awareness around the benefits of limiting access, you know, like putting their phones up at night, not having access to anything and everything to help you all as teachers.

(15:50): So, so let me tell you what I see. I see a couple of things, um, in the classroom I can tell whose parents limit their cell phone use, because those are the kids who consistently no problem putting it up. They're like, okay. Yeah, sure. Cause they are already used to boundaries. I know which kids are on their cell phones until three in the morning. Cause those are consistently the kids who are asleep in my class. They're asleep in first period. They're asleep in fourth period. They're asleep in seventh period. Doesn't matter what time of the day. They're exhausted because they're not sleeping. And I will ask them over and over and over again for years I've done this. So baby, why aren't you sleeping? You're exhausted. Are you not sleeping at home? What's going on? Is everything okay? You don't have to check on them. And invariably, Oh, it's okay. I was just, I was in my DMS until two this morning or I was making a video or I was, it's almost always some sort of, I was on a piece of technology watching YouTube videos or dealing with social media in some way. There are other reasons that they don't sleep. But by far 90% of the time, my kids who were sleeping in class are sleeping in class because they're not sleeping at home. Cause they're all.

(17:00): Wow. And then that probably reflects in their grades as well. Right?

(17:04): Absolutely. It reflects in their grades. They just, they miss key instruction there too. Even if they're awake, they're too groggy to pay attention. The other thing I see is that the kids who struggle to put their phones away and who everyday pushback and everyday argue with me and everyday try to sneak their phone past me or the kids with the lowest self-esteem period. Oh wow. They need, they need more attention from me. They need more attention from their peers. They ended to be, I, you know, I, I'm not doing double-blind peer reviewed studies here. This is anecdotal, but I know what I'm seeing in my classroom. And they, they tend to be, frankly, they tend to be more promiscuous. And I know that saying that I could get a lot of pushback from people, but I stand by it. I stand by it because there's tremendous pressure for that kind of thing on Sophia. There's tremendous pressure. And they tend to have, and this is one that alarms me as well. They tend to have more controlling, um, romantic relationships,

(18:04): Like they don't seem like as healthy.

(18:06): Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So if I were to create a chart and I've done this in years past to kind of track the behaviors of my students who struggle with cell phone use in the class, I see more students who are male and female, by the way, who are in some sort of relationship where their, their romantic partner is demanding, controlling. You know, I've had romantic partners of my students walk into my classroom and demand, you know, ignore me, ignore teaching, ignore all, all recognized protocol and demand from their partner. I have been texting you. Why aren't you answering? Or you, you know, you were supposed to do this and you haven't done this. And, and it's only happened once or twice, but it's like, okay. And you know, I have to intervene and have to let the office know, but I see not that all of these things are caused by cell phone, use technology use social media, but that the, the normal problems that are attendant on a being humans and B being teenage humans who are in this wacky developmental stage, they are amplified and exacerbated and made it so much worse.

(19:18): Goodness. I know, because like when we were teenagers, I remember being it being so confusing and overwhelming, and now I look at everything that they're going through and I'm just like, we have just taken the teenage years. And like, like you said, amplified all of the struggles of it. Wow. Yes,

(19:35): Absolutely. Absolutely.

(19:37): So then you also see, so you would, um, binge her to say that like all of the things around the digital device and comparison and social media and all of those things influences experimentation, influences all of the things that teams tend to do.

(19:53): Yes. Sort of the, that it's developmentally appropriate at this age, for them to be sort of trying to establish their own independence, establish their separateness from mom and dad from other adults. They're trying to, you know, they're on the cusp of adulthood themselves. You know, if we were talking 200 years ago or even a hundred years ago, these kids were adults for the most part, certainly the boys were many of the girls in my classes a hundred years ago would have been married already. You know? So, so, so there's this societal shift. That's got them still as children. Whereas for the bulk of human development kids, this age were full grown adults. But the reality is that they're still, you know, developmentally, they're still in flux, they're still quite young. And so I'm seeing that instead of being able to sort of this in a sort of normal timeline and normal, healthy way with the help of the adults and peers around them, they still have the help from the adults, but the problems are just exacerbated tenfold and a hundredfold by the exposure to so many more voices than they normally would hear through social media.

(21:07): And then as a teacher, the other thing I see is that they struggle with concentration. They struggle with memory. They struggle with that. Their cognitive abilities are impacted negatively impacted negatively. And I can guess within, you know, a, I would say a pretty good margin of error, which students have had parents for years now shutting them up, controlling them, managing their behavior by handing them a device here, watch what you need to be quiet. Mommy's mommy's doing something. Watch my phone, watch a movie on my tablet because they don't that they lack the ability to self regulate. They lack the ability to problem solve on their own. They're they're faced with a problem. I'm not sure what to do here immediately. I need help immediately. I need to look for, you know, some sort of technological fix, Oh, well, come on. Can I get my cell phone and look this up and tell you how many times I have students, this word means, can I get my phone and look it up? And there is literally in front of them. I keep on my tables, a stack of dictionaries, you know? And they, they, they struggle with, if they're not on technology, they think they're bored.

(22:14): Right. So kind of like what I've talked about before about, it's not allowing them to be bored, which boredom kind of stimulates their imagination. Yeah. Like we were kids, we were bored. So you went outside. I mean, I remember some fascinating times where I was out gathering little ants and making a little ants thing in a jar. And you know, all of those things

(22:38): So much. I mean, I, I was listening to that episode of your podcast just a little while ago. And I was thinking about my own children. Cause you know, we're in the summer, they're out of school and I've limited their TV time to just 30 minutes, a couple of times a day. And then they come to me and they're like, I'm bored. And I'm like, that's okay. You'll figure something out to do. And then I just let them be bored. And invariably, it doesn't even take five minutes, Dolly. They're almost 10, they're eight and they're six. And invariably they have figured out together something to do. So they create these games or they they're, they're re most recent game that they've invented for themselves is to play detective. And they're trying to solve mysteries and I'm not doing any, I'm not giving them anything on.

(23:23): Not telling them, try this. They, they have, they have toys. They have gooks. I'm not going to handhold them through using their imagination. They tell me I'm bored. I tell them to suck it up. And then they go and figure out things to do. And I've got to tell you when they're sneaking around the house, pretending to be spies and spying on me and my husband it's cause what you'll hear is, you know, I'm in the laundry room, folding towels or something. And I'll hear behind me. We found her shift gears to be folding towels. What is she up to? And you know, the kids are like narrating in these whispery voices. It's hilarious. And they're creating these games and stories with zero help for me and my husband, because that's how I grew up. If I, during the summer, it's one of two things.

(24:11): My summer was ruined. If I came into the house, first of all, before a mealtime, my mother was going to make me clean something. And if I told my mother I was bored, my mother was going to make me clean some. So I was never in the house and I never in life told her I was bored because I did not want to clean our house was spotless because we often made the mistake when we were younger, say, mom, I'm bored or we're coming in from play too early. I know now that she wanted that alone time for herself, but, but we, we, and we didn't have any of this stuff. And we were able to develop those imaginative play and, and my children are developing it too. And I hear these parents say, well, I mean, I, I want to take their technology away, but then I have to figure out things for them to do. And I'm no, you don't. You absolutely. Don't you, your job once you've taken the technology away is to make sure they don't set stuff on fire. That's it. Right? Because if you leave them to their own devices, they will figure something out.

(25:08): So the only other thing I wanted to ask you about was what I hear from a lot of parents is that they, they feel like they have to give their kid a phone. And um, so a couple of things, they have to give their kid a phone because it's used a lot in the classroom. And then the second thing is that like the digital world is here to stay and it has a lot of advantages. So what my perspective is, is kind of like, as they get older, we just need to find her a better way to guide them, allow them to have that imagination as they're younger and then guide them. And like what I say in some of my episodes as you, it's not a given to have that phone and you earn, you earn the independence on that phone, but you know, the digital world is not going away and it opens up a lot of opportunities for us.

(25:51): So it has the positives of it too. It's just that they're younger ages. We need to be aware of all of these dangers into regulate them more. So the first thing is about the classroom. How do you approach that? If a, like if the kid doesn't have a phone, cause I mean, we like physically removed the phone from our youngest and he still hasn't gotten it back. And if we were to send him back to a traditional school, that would be one of our major concerns is putting that back in his hands. Um, so do you have kids that come and don't have a phone?

(26:19): Absolutely. I do. Um, I, and I think it's going to depend a lot on, on what district you're in, but I, I suspect because even in, in districts where everybody in the district as wealthy enough to give their kid a fancy phone or a phone at all, I think that there are going to be parents who like us are savvy and are like, no, you don't need a phone at school. I will occasionally let kids use their phone for a survey or something like that. But when I have students who need to use technology and who don't have a phone, I plan for that ahead of time. Cause I know that there are going to be in every single class. I teach anywhere from two to five kids. And sometimes as many as seven kids who for whatever reason do not have a phone. Now it's a, it's a temporary thing.

(27:07): I got my phone taken up cause I was being a jerk to my mom. Sometimes it's a permanent thing. We don't have money at my house for us to have a phone or my parents don't want me distracted by a phone. So they make me leave it at home. So I have in every class students who don't have phones for whatever reason. And so I would say if you have a teacher who is, who is demanding, that they use their phones, that that teacher needs to make some adjustments. I'm gonna question that teacher, you don't have at our school one to one technology, but we do have access to a lot of technology for our students. We can check it out ahead of time. And if, as teachers, if we are planning carefully or, or even planning. So my carefully, you know, being a little bit thoughtful about what we're doing, but we can get technology for all of our students without any trouble.

(27:55): And so the reality is that when I use a cell phone in my class, it's because I'm doing a, I'm doing a check. So for example, the first couple of days of school, um, while, well, my rosters are being populated. Um, while new students are coming in and people are being transferred, I will have the kids fill out surveys and do quizzes and stuff on their phones. And I am making note of which students have phones in which students don't. And then later when they're like, Oh, I can't put my phone in the catty. I don't have one. I'm like really? Cause on days one through three, you had a cell phone in your hand. So where is that phone? And then those kids are like, Oh, and very often those kids are trying to get one past me. So they don't have to put their phone in their County and then I'll do that same type thing. If I have a class that I feel like is trying to sneak phones past me, I'll be like, okay guys, we need to get our phones out today. Cause we're going to do this quiz or that whatever on your phones and suddenly children who have been claiming not to have a phone, we'll get a phone out and I'm like, look at Jesus, you over there. And then they know, you know, so I, I honestly use phones in the classroom as a gotcha and nothing else.

(29:03): Ah, okay.

(29:04): Any parent, any parent who's worried about that. Don't worry about that. And if you have a teacher who's, who's pushing your kid, you as a parent stand up to that teacher, absolutely stand up to that teacher and say, you know what? I know you have it in your ability to figure out other ways to get my kid technology. You're not going to pressure my child and me to get that kid a phone.

(29:22): That's good to know. Cause I, and I think more where we've had pushback with the kids is when we have taken their phones away for whatever reason. And they're like, but I need it for school. The teacher has us do this, this and this. So it's good to know that there are other options and we just need to connect with the teacher on that.

(29:39): Anything they do at that they can do on their phone can absolutely be done and better done on a laptop or a home computer, I would say. Absolutely. So you mentioned the digital age and all of its, um, all of it's, you know, the pluses to it. And we hear so often we say this as teachers and we hear it from other teachers and from admin, these kids are way more tech savvy than any of us. This is the digital age. They have to be able to use this stuff, frankly, I'm not seeing tech savvy in my classroom. I'm seeing students who, who know how to use social media and that's it. Okay. They're not, they're not brilliant at, at formatting. They're not brilliant at graphic design and are brilliant at filmmaking or editing or anything like that. That, that is true. Tech savviness. They're there. They're really good at social media and that's it. And we don't get to use that to say, Oh, well, you know, that's, that's my excuse for letting them have free reign on their phones in my classroom. We don't. I think honestly, I think that's lazy. I think that's people who don't want to fight that battle, but well, they're tech savvy and they need to be using that. Nope, Nope. That's what we have, you know, classroom computers and laptops for,

(30:53): I was reading a book. It might've been that book. I think it's called distracted or disconnected. I can't remember which one it is now, but um, he talked about how kids having digital devices at young ages, that it changes the, the brain chemistry, um, and that they, they do pick up on things and they learn to navigate things, um, you know, like on a smartphone and stuff like that. Um, but what they're finding is if they're always having that stimulation, that other parts of their brain that they need for normal childhood development are actually shutting down. And then that is what creates that temper tantrum type things that detox. Um, I call it the teen tantrum or the preteen tantrum if you take away their device, if they're used to having it all the time, but that it actually, they've seen a physiological effect in the brain where, you know, they kind of like don't know what to do. And it's kind of like in a frenzy because they're used to being stimulated in that way. Absolutely. So lots of things going on under the surface. So we need parents to wake up and, and, and help help.

(31:56): Yeah, please, please. And you know, we do have a duty to, because it is a very, very technological world and we have a duty to help them learn boundaries and learn proper usage. And, you know, I was listening to your podcast where you were saying that homework for your homeschool kiddo for your kid or who's doing on all online high school happens in a public, you know, in the house, in a public setting, homework doesn't happen in the bedroom, okay. With doors shut, um, schoolwork doesn't happen there. And I think that that's brilliant for a couple of reasons that room needs to be sort of the sanctuary away from, you know, school and work like, like for all of us, we need our, our, our bedroom to be where we rest and recharge and relax. But then also we don't want our children taking technology behind a closed door where we cannot monitor. And I mean, that's, you know, I think that's brilliant. So we have to be as parents way ahead of the game in terms of teaching boundaries and establishing, you know, proper use and how do you, and we can teach them to be brilliantly tech savvy, but still maintain proper boundaries that are not going to expose our children to the horrors that exist. You know, I mean, there's the dark web and then there's just regular old social media where there are harbors. I mean, there, there are monsters out there, right.

(33:21): And kind of with this pandemic thing going on and stuff, it kind of is amplified how it just in any of us, you know, grown adults, it's amplified how influential it can be if you're consuming it all the time. Cause I mean, I've had, I've had to cut myself off, like where I limit, how much I am checking any, any news app, any social media thing. When I go on it, I go in there to do the things like in the groups I'm in the fit club. I run, um, you know, those things. But I, I stay focused on those things because I cannot take all the constant arguing all the constant back and forth between everybody's opinions. And um, you know, so if we think about it, like we're grown adults and that is affecting us the way that is. And so for a child that's still in development, still trying to figure out this world. And then you throw in social media and allowing them to consume anything and everything that's out in the world. That's a dangerous combination.

(34:17): Absolutely. I mean, I love the, I love the tagline of your podcast and your movement be that mom. And I would say, I would say, you have to be the, you have to be the parent. You have to be that kind of parent who is unafraid to have your kid mad at you a little, a little bit. But the reality is, is it, we are afraid as parents to be the parent, to be the adult in the room. And we don't get to do that. We don't get to, we don't get to screw up our kids that way, where we're afraid to actually parent them. And so I love that sort of the emphasis on you have to be that parent, you have to be that mom, who's like, Nope, this is, this is how it's going to be. And you know, you, you can tantrum, but I'm not moving and you're eventually going to get tired and go take a nap. So I, you know, I that's, that's my, if you want a tantrum, that's fine. You're going to go in your room and do it. And then you can take a nap and momma can have more quiet time. So, I mean, I think so

(35:18): I so agree. Well, I appreciate everything that you've shared today. I think this is going to be a very valuable episode, you know, for moms to kind of see the perspective of you from the teacher standpoint. And then also the fact that you have the older kids and the younger kids. So you're kind of getting a little bit of a do over

(35:34): Yes. Younger

(35:35): Ones where you're kind able to course correct a little bit of the influences that you've seen in the older ones. And then the other thing that, uh, what I try and I think this was probably me just trying to heal my, hurting, my hurting heart. When I see my not being aware of the dangers, how it has affected my kids. Um, I feel like our kids today because of these challenges, somehow they're going to use this to help them, you know, grow or something in their lives. So we need to become aware of these dangers and then the ones that are already exposed, we need to, you know, guide them set boundaries and kind of course correct. Build them up from the inside, out to where, you know, they know that they are valued and that they don't always have to be connected to the world and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone else. Um, gosh, I just wish I would have woken up a couple years ago, but it is,

(36:26): It is. And we can't. So that's one thing that I struggle with is that mom guilt, you know, I'm like, Oh, I should have, I wish I had, you know, and I can't, I can't let myself do that. Cause then it, it sort of freezes me for my younger group and I can't, you know, I just have to take those lessons and, and just, you know, pray that the mistakes that we made with our older kids, um, which were, you know, there wasn't any malice there. We weren't, you know, they're just, they're just parenting mistakes and we all make them. So we just pray that, like you said, that they'll just they'll learn and grow from that. And then we just, we don't get to make the same mistakes with our little class.

(37:00): Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks so much for visiting with me and I'm sure that all the listeners are going to love everything that you've shared.

(37:07): Well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. And if, you know, if anybody has any questions, if any of your listeners, listeners want, want more of the teacher perspective or more of the, you know, I had a group of older kids and I don't have a group of younger kids apps, you know, let me know. I'm happy to follow up or go deeper into any of that. So yeah, just let me know if it has any questions. Okay. Awesome. All right. Thanks a lot, Dolly.

(37:31): Hey, so if this be that mom path is kind of overwhelming you, I totally hear you totally been there. But one thing that has helped me on this path is to educate myself and I've done that by reading different books and one book that I find very, very helpful and I highly recommend to anyone who is being that mom and having any sort of doubt or struggle, or just not knowing where to turn is called disconnected by Thomas Kersting. Now, if you're sitting there saying, but Dolly, I don't have time to read. This is a short read, but you can also get it on audible. Audible is a way for you to listen to audio books and podcasts and other things, using an app that you download to your phone or whatever device you have. And I want to give you a 30 day free trial to audible.

(38:21): If you have never tried them go to audible trial.com forward slash be that mom movement and sign up for their free trial, check them out. And then if you decide to be a member, you get a free download every month. So that's basically a free book every month. So you can be listening to that book while you were driving, while you were doing things around the house while you're outside walking, exercising, whatever it is, you can use that time to put that information into your brain. They also have multiple other things besides just the educational books. So whatever suits your fancy, they have it all. So please check it out@ audibletrial.com forward slash be that mom movement. 

(39:12): Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join Dolly's free community till next time.