Did the kids get new tech for Christmas? If so, check this out!

Episode 44:

Did your kiddo get a new digital device or gaming console for Christmas? A new game? Here are a few of my top tips that I wish someone had shared with me!

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Grab the Pinwheel phone for your kid's first phone, and avoid the addiction and battle created by giving a smartphone too soon: Click here or go to https://www.pinwheel.com/?via=dolly and use code BETHATMOMTEN for a discount! 

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FULL TRANSCRIPTION:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So Christmas has come and gone. The gifts are unwrapped. Everything is out and the kids are excited and having fun with their new toys and new things. Right? Well, if one of those gifts happened to be some form of new tack, a phone, a gaming console, a new game. This episode is going to give you a few tips moving forward. So that that form of tech that they are interacting with is a positive experience going forward. Stay tuned,

Speaker 2 (00:31):

Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the bead that mom movement with your host, Dolly Denson

Speaker 1 (00:55):

Friends. Did you hear there is an app that will transform the safety of your kids, smartphone and technology use. It is my favorite way to sleep easy at night and have peace of mind because it is monitoring my kids' activity online without me being in their business. It is the bark app and yes, bark like a dog bark bark bark. It tells you when there's something that you need to be concerned about starting at a small fee each month, you can protect your whole family across all devices. Get connected with bark today. Use code, be that mom for 20% off your subscription for life and get a seven day free trial to check it out. Alrighty. So on the one hand, it is crazy to think that we are already in the last week of 2020. If you listen to this, when it is first published, on the other hand, it is like it's been the longest year of our lives, right?

Speaker 1 (01:45):

I cannot believe all that we have gone through this year. It's just crazy, but today's episode. I just want to talk about a few things that looking back on when I introduced my kids to all of the digital things, I wish I would have known simple things that you can do today and do moving forward to help your kid have a positive trajectory when it comes to using that gaming console or whatever the digital thing is that you gave your kid. If you listen to my other episodes, if you've been following my podcast, some of this may be repeat, but it's just good to reiterate a few key things that I think were pivotal decisions for my family when it came to these things. So I was like scrolling through my social media on Christmas day and looking at all of my friends posting about their kids and the things that they got.

Speaker 1 (02:40):

And it was just made me shutter almost when I would see the pictures and the videos of kids opening up the digital things. And personally, I don't think that these things are innately bad, but we have to set up the boundaries and the guidance that our kids need with these things. And it is my belief that they absolutely need guidance. And it is just not something that they can navigate on their own. Just like we wouldn't throw them into a swimming pool. Like if you've listened to my podcast for any length of time, you've heard me use that analogy that we give our kids floaties and lessons to swim. And it's the same thing when it comes to the digital things and access to the digital world. There's so much information out there that they literally drown in it. If we do not provide floaties and guidance, as they enter that, you know, see or pool of information, curiosity will get the best of them.

Speaker 1 (03:42):

You know, it's just the nature of, I don't want to say the beast, but the beast in the sense that it's meant to be addicting, it's meant to draw them in. It's meant to take them down rabbit holes. And then there's the aspect of the people coming that can access them in many different forms. You know, all of the things so definitely need to provide guidance. Now, as a side note, I just want to tell you about something that happened with me on one social media platform that I have joined. I joined a group that was focused on like screen activity and kids and families with screens. And I posted in there about one of my podcast episodes that I recently published. And I got a message from one of the admins asking me what my stance was on screens said that they had looked through my website and, you know, looked at my podcast and they couldn't see what my stance was related to screens.

Speaker 1 (04:37):

And I kind of thought it was the oddest question because do I have to have like a statement of what my view is on screens? And I think the, just of that question was, do you believe that people should have access to screens that kids should have access to screens? And there's actually this movement out there of like a screen free family. And I get the point of that in the sense that when you get to a point of addiction and, you know, without any monitoring or guidance, some kids, some families do have to take a detox from all of the things. But personally, I use, you know, I have a tablet that I have to use for work. I work remotely for my job as a nurse practitioner, I traveled to people's homes to visit them and I come back home. So I use a screen, I run my business through a screen.

Speaker 1 (05:26):

It's just like, I don't see that we can do this complete disconnect. It's not realistic for me because even my husband runs his business virtually as well. So screens are a part of our lives. So yes, I think there are moments that it is good to detox from everything disconnect, you know, reconnect with each other, those types of things. But I don't think it's a realistic stance going forward. And as we let our kids grow up and move out into the world, we don't want them to have that addiction to the screens. We want to have a separate, you know, identity that is not formed from that screen. But realistically, I don't think that we can be screen-free completely all the time. It just doesn't work. Especially in these COVID times that we're in right now. And we have to connect virtually in order to do our jobs and, you know, work out and all of the different things.

Speaker 1 (06:18):

So I just thought it was kind of an odd question, but the ultimate result of me letting her know my stance, which seems crazy to even have to share that my post was not allowed to post into that group. So I guess I just don't belong in that group that is trying to help guide people safely with screens, but it is what it is. You know, we all have to take a stance somewhere. And my stance is just that there are moments where we need to detox and be free of screens. And I certainly recommend that even if it's just a day or a weekend, but ultimately realistically, we cannot move forward into the world without screens. It just is not realistic. So I don't know if you wanted to know that information, but that is where I stand and I'm sticking to it. Okay.

Speaker 1 (07:03):

So let's talk a little bit about what you do if you just introduced your kiddo to some form of tech, if it was an Xbox, some form of gaming console, other than an X-Box, if it's a handheld device fit is a phone, okay. If you have gotten your kid, a gab phone or a pinwheel phone, kudos to you for introducing them to that, because you have saved yourself some time, but there are still things that you need to focus on and, you know, put some boundaries around. So the first thing that I want to say is location, location, location. It is not just buying real estate where that is important. It is so very important to have boundaries in place for where that console or device is used or lids. Okay. Now let me take you back. A couple of years, we bought our youngest and X-Box, and prior to that games were being played on our desktop computer and our computer room.

Speaker 1 (08:00):

And honestly, we were kind of like annoyed with the constant chatter and getting excited, playing the game and talking to friends. And so when we bought that X-Box we were excited to move it into this kiddos bedroom. It was like an intentional decision. You could have some privacy, you could play as games. And we wouldn't listen to his chatter all day long. I feel ashamed to say that now, because what happened was that was a pivotal decision that I wish I could go back on. So very bad other than not buying the X-Box at all. But here's the thing. When you put a device or allow a device into the bedroom, what happens is a couple of things. If it's a gaming console, the games themselves are addicting and draw them in and make it to where they kind of lose track of time. And they end up spending a ton more time doing that, then other things.

Speaker 1 (08:54):

And so they are in their rooms, isolated with the door closed. It just creates this feeling of being separate and isolated from the family. Those feelings may be misunderstood because they don't really know how to embrace that feeling. And it may kind of morph into affecting their self-esteem and their communication with the rest of the family, all of those types of things. The other thing is that you've opened up a little can of worms by allowing them to number one, access that at any time you don't have control over it. There are ways that you can set limits on it, but it's still hard to monitor it when it is in their bedroom. Number two, it is tempting. It draws them in to where they want to get up at night and they want to play the game. They want to get access to their friends, you know, that type of thing.

Speaker 1 (09:42):

And then number three, it opens the portal for predators and people with bad intentions for our kids to access them without you knowing it. If you listen to my episode about rooming and bullying, one of the things that a lot of these predators do, the one of the first things they do is ask where are you at? Are your parents in the room with you? And so when they are in a bedroom, it is more likely for things to happen that we don't want to happen. Okay. So location, location, location, if it is a phone, I would still put limits on where it can be used. I do allow my older kids to have their phones and they now self- regulate, I haven't provided the best guidance for them. That kind of slipped through my fingers until we got to the third kiddo. But our rules for the third one is that the device stays in the common area of the house and is housed in that area at night.

Speaker 1 (10:38):

It never goes into the bedroom, but the same thing with that, it has the same concerns and impact as the gaming console will, when it is put in or allowed in to the bedroom. I don't know that. I mean, you could say they can use it during the day in their bedroom, but again, it creates isolation. It's where they sit in their room and don't come out. And I will say that the decision for us to put the gaming console in the bedroom, that it eventually became a thing where before we had all this chatter and could hear all the things going on, and then it became to where we never were spoken to. And, you know, there's just this just a separation. Okay. Now we have an Xbox that is a family. X-Box we no longer own the one that we bought and put in the bedroom and that family X-Box stays on the living room TV.

Speaker 1 (11:26):

And it really is not something that is played regularly unless they have friends over or my best friend's kids are here and they all play together. It is an active, fun activity for them to play together on that. We mostly only do games on there that are active, you know, like on the, we, we have a we as well. So they, you know, play active things where they're up and jumping around, you know, playing some sports games, something like that on that family owned gaming console. So if you bought your kiddo a gaming console to put in their bedroom, I would rethink that. Like, I highly urge you to rethink that. And at this point, make the change. Now they play it in a central area and that way, you know, what's going on. And it also keeps that connection between y'all and, you know, you can set up boundaries easier that way and avoid the addictive tendencies that are so very much what I want to say.

Speaker 1 (12:23):

Like easier to go down the rabbit hole of if it's in a bedroom. Okay. So location, location, location, I cannot stress this one enough. It is vital that you set down rules and boundaries around where this thing is allowed to be consumed and used. Okay. The second thing that I want to emphasize is time, the amount of time that is allowed on that device. I know it's hard to do when you've given them a phone or this console, and you want them to just have fun, or maybe you rationalize it by, well, you know, we're in these COVID times. And so they don't get to see their friends as much, and this is their way to reach their friends, you know? Okay. So I get that and I've done that, but they still need time limits. If it is a gaming console and they're playing games, they absolutely need time limits because the games are set up to draw them in to make them addicted.

Speaker 1 (13:17):

And it gives them if you've listened to some of my episodes, I talked about this a few episodes back. It is meant to draw them in and like have addictive properties to it so that they continue to do it. And they get like a high dopamine reward without much work. So what that does over time is it desensitize their brain for the dopamine. And so they need to play more and more and more to get that same effect they have compared the effect of gaming as using drugs. No joke. They've done studies about it and said, it lights up the parts of the brain that are lit up with using drugs. So it is very powerful, very addicting. Now this does not mean that you have to box that up and return it, return it to wherever you bought it. But what this means is it is recommended to limit the time specifically for gaming things to a certain amount of time that is balanced by a low dopamine activity.

Speaker 1 (14:14):

So a low dopamine activity would be something that doesn't give you instant rewards, such as like baking a cake, you know, making cupcakes, doing some sort of craft, drawing, doing some form of manipulative thing in their hands, like a Rubik's cube or caboodle game. Those are two things that I bought my kids for Christmas. The caboodle games are a big hit. And then the Rubik's cubes, too. There's all kinds of Rubik's cubes. We probably will never get the Rubik's cube solved. I still have one from when I was a kid that I never solved, but it gives the kids something to do. I have them on the living room, coffee table, and they grab it and mess with it while they're on the couch, instead of, you know, sitting there with a phone. So you want to balance it out from the high dopamine and the low dopamine activity.

Speaker 1 (14:57):

So what that looks like for a younger kid would be like 30 minutes on 30 minutes off for an older kid, maybe an hour on and an hour off. It is so easy to let this slide because you're busy. You have other things to do. They're going to have a tendency to push back on that, but I highly recommend you find some way to be strict with that set a timer, you know, make it clear to them that you will not have any play time. If you don't stay with these limits, you know, we're going to set this up. It's important to me because I care about you and your health. I want you to play this game and have fun, but you also need to do something off of it. You know, have an open communication. It's not just about, mom wants to be mean, mom wants to set down the limits.

Speaker 1 (15:42):

Mom cares about you. And mom knows that this is something that can be a wonderful thing to connect with friends, to do new things. I know all your friends are doing it, so I want you to do it, but we're going to set down these limits and that's just the way it is for now. Okay. So when it comes to phones, if you bought a pinwheel phone, you have a leg up on this because on the pinwheel phone, you can set up modes to where there is a certain time where they can do certain things. And the way the pinwheel phone is set up, it is just made to where it doesn't have as much of a draw to spend a ton of time on it. The, and you know, like any of the apps that are allowed to be on the pinwheel phone have basically been evaluated by this group of therapists and, you know, people that are looking at how these apps interact with kids' minds, so that it is not like with a regular phone, it's not drawing them in just like mindless activity.

Speaker 1 (16:39):

Everything on the pinwheel phone has a purpose behind it. And it's designed to make it a tool, not so much a form of addiction. So if you got a pinwheel phone, you can set that up with modes, but I still recommend, I mean, you can make it to where it won't do a thing at certain times of the day or night, but I still recommend you take that phone at night. And that will be my third tip is whatever you have. It needs to be shut down and taken away at night. If you find that your kids are breaking these guidelines or rules that you are setting up, then that's the time where you need to pull back on allowing those things and make sure that they know that these are rules that are not going to be broken, or they lose their time on those things.

Speaker 1 (17:22):

That it's a privilege, not a right to use the things. And if they cannot monitor and control what they're doing and abide by the rules that you have set in place for their own wellbeing, then it's time to pull back on those things a little bit. That would be the time for them to have some screen-free time to break that addiction and to detox. And I know if you haven't experienced that, you're probably like what, like my kid wouldn't do that. I've raised them, you know, blah, blah, blah, trust me. I said the same things, but it's just a nature of these technology things. They are made to draw the kids in. And it's not a character flaw of your kiddo. It is not something that you have not done. It is simply the way these things are set up. And that's why you need to have these things in place to help them.

Speaker 1 (18:06):

So I would take their devices at night. If you find that, you know, they're getting up in the middle of the night and your rule is to not play the X-Box that here they are in the middle of the night, then you need to take the cord or you need to cut the Wi-Fi, you know, whatever it takes, you need to take the game away because the rules need to be followed or the stuff needs to be taken away. Okay. Okay. So the next tip that I want to tell you is just to be aware of the settings, if you're giving them any games or things that they are using, be aware of the settings and set up privacy modes and know if, if they can reach other people through those things, know who they're talking to have a conversation with them about not speaking with people.

Speaker 1 (18:44):

They do not know in person do not have anything set up on there to where it has their location, like a GPS thing, and do not give out personal information to anyone. You know, if you do not know them in real life, then you do not give out information. So I would be aware of what the settings are on, whatever you're giving them, the app, the phone, the gaming console, whatever, and set it up. Privacy mode. Don't allow there to be a location, those types of things. And then the last tip that I want to tell you is it's exhausting to keep up with all of these things, right? It's exhausting. And you're probably, if you're new to this and you've just started listening to my podcast, or you've just given this first thing and you found my podcast somehow, you're probably like, Holy cow, I want to take this back.

Speaker 1 (19:28):

Let me just take this back to the store. I don't have time for this. There is hope I promise you. There is hope. There are a couple of things that are like a mothers dream, a mother's gift and things that I wish I would have had when I first started down this path. When my kids were like middle school age, and a couple of those things I highly, highly recommend. One is bark. Bark is a parental control system that you install on your kid's phone. If you've given them a smartphone and it will monitor conversations, you can also put bark on the pinwheel phone. As of now, the gab phone doesn't have the capability, but the pin will phone. You can install bark. And if you're, you know, thinking well with the pinwheel phone, it has the modes and all of the things and all the apps can't communicate out to other people.

Speaker 1 (20:12):

So why would I need bark? But it's important if they can reach anybody, which means through text that you have some form of monitoring. And if you are not someone that has experienced walking this path, yet you may be saying, I don't want to monitor my kid. They'll tell me what's going on. I trust them, just trust me as a mother that is sitting on the other side of this, that you need something monitoring them. It's not just like it monitors their activity. It monitors what they search. It monitors websites that they try to access. But it also monitors conversations and bark has been known to help parents be aware of their kid with suicidal talk or different talk of violence, like mass shootings at schools. It is just amazing. If you look at their website, barked at us, they have their statistics. They have information on there, but it is amazing.

Speaker 1 (21:06):

The things that they have been able to detect and alert parents about or authorities about, and, you know, intervene to the sense that they can, you know, redirect that information, that conversation, that kiddo, whatever. So if you've got a smartphone or a pinwheel phone, highly, highly, highly recommend you get bark, they do have a seven day free trial. And if you use my code, be that mom altogether, be that mom or use the link in my show notes that will give you 20% off of the subscription for life. So as long as you have bark, you'll get 20% off. They have monthly plans, which are really, really affordable, and they have the annual plan, which saves you a little bit more money. But if you use my code, be that mom get you 20% off. And they do have a seven day free trial. When you sign up for that, make sure you look at their emails that they send with help on setting it up.

Speaker 1 (21:56):

And I promise you, it is the best thing out there overall in how it monitors and its ability to do all of the things compared to other companies, other things out there, it just simply is the best they have the best customer service. And if you have any trouble with setting it up, do not hesitate in contacting their tech team. And they will even get on a zoom call with you and help walk you through the information. And all of the things, one thing related to that is if you got your kid, an Apple device, Apple in and of itself is harder to monitor than an Android phone on one end. That is a good thing in the sense that Apple creates more privacy, more security around what you have on your phone and what you're doing on your phone. But when it comes to a Apple phone, being in the hands of your kids, it makes it harder to monitor and especially a few specific social media apps like Snapchat and Tik TOK, but that's a whole nother can of worms and not something I recommend you take lightly, but we can chat about that another time.

Speaker 1 (22:54):

But bottom line is bark is the best service out there. If you are having trouble monitoring your kids, Apple phone, it is not barks shortcomings. It is the limitations that Apple puts out. And so if you know, you get to a point to where you were having serious issues with your kid and an Apple phone, then maybe it's time to take that phone back. Maybe it's time to give them a pinwheel phone or an Android phone or no phone at all. Okay. But big picture bark is the best thing out there as far as helping you to monitor. Now, I think I might've skipped a little bit ahead with that conversation, but it's so very crucial for you to have some way to monitor and help you out. Even if you are someone who has all the time in the world, there is stuff that's going to be missed.

Speaker 1 (23:35):

Kids delete things and, you know, try to hide things. And it's just the nature of kids with curiosity and all of the things. So the other thing is just to open communication with them about all of this and make sure that they can talk to you of course, but I still would put some type of monitoring thing on them. The next level of monitoring that I highly recommend, well, there's two of them. One is whatever device you have putting screen-time controls on there. If it's an Android device, it's through Google family link. If it is an Apple device, use the screen time controls from your Apple device to control their phone, you can set up to where they can't use it. During certain times they can't add contacts or they can, they can't add apps or they can purchases in apps, all of the things.

Speaker 1 (24:17):

So there's a ton at your fingertips, just in the phone, you know, with the phone, but then add bark on it. That gives you another layer. And then the last thing related to that is using something like bark home using like you're at your wife eye level using either a router that has parental controls. There are several out there, or if you're not techie and that makes your mind go, Ooh, a little bit. When you think about trying to figure out the router thing, bark home is a great alternative to that. It basically hooks up to your router and provides like a filter and it will monitor all devices that are on your home wifi at a high level. And then you can set it up to where it monitors specific devices at a closer level, including gaming, consoles, laptops, Roku devices, the phones, all of the things you set it up.

Speaker 1 (25:08):

You, you know, you find that device that connects to your wifi and then you name it. And then you can go in and set up limits for that device. As far as like, when it can be used, what websites it can access those types of things. And when I say it monitors all the devices at a high level, it basically blocks the most explicit of explicit sites for all devices in your house. And then you can set it up for more specific things. If there's a certain device that you want shut down at a certain time. So it basically blocks access to the wifi, you know, all of those things. So I do have an episode that is specific for bark home. So if you scroll back through my episodes, I'm not sure which episode exactly that it is, but I have one about Bart home.

Speaker 1 (25:49):

I have one about Bart. I have one about the pinwheel phone. I have one about the gab phone. There's tons of information, my podcasts. So scroll back and listen to those things if you need that. But those are the things that I would look at as you move forward with this device, gaming console, whatever it is that your gave your kid for Christmas, this does not have to be a negative thing. It does not have to be a huge chore. I always say that what this is is in order to introduce your kid to the digital world and all of the things, it takes a village. And so I hope that I am part of your village. I hope that you use the tools such as bark and bark home for your village, and then you, the communication between your kiddo and you as part of your village use the rules and the boundaries is that you're setting up as part of your village.

Speaker 1 (26:34):

You need to, I have all of these different layers to your village to help you with this. It does not have to be a negative thing, but it absolutely needs to be a place of, for your kiddo. Okay? So I can't believe this episode is as long as it is. Cause usually my episodes are shorter, but I hope that you found this helpful. If you do not have bark, use my [email protected], or use the link in my show notes to get a 20% off your subscription. Plus a seven day free trial. My code is be that mom, if you need a pinwheel phone, my code is B that mom 10 and all spelled out. I also have a code for gab wireless. It's be that mom. So, and then I can put a link for bark home, which you can buy on Amazon in the show notes as well.

Speaker 1 (27:14):

So there are tons of tools out there. And this is kind of like, like I've said in another episode, this is like a dance that you kind of have to do when it comes to all of the tech and digital things. You have to kind of see how your kid interacts. You don't know how your kid is going to interact. I personally don't think that you can know ahead of time if your kid is ready. I think there are certain things that you can look at to see if they're ready, you know, based on age and all of that. But it has to be something that when you introduce it, that you set up time limits and you set up location limits, and then, you know, you move forward in a proactive way for your kiddo. Okay? And like I've said many times before the be that mom movement is about you being a proactive mom on this roller coaster of life. As we raise kids in the digital age, we are the first generation of parents to do it. And we are going to knock this thing out of the ballpark as long as we stick together. And we be that mom's strong. Okay. So you have a fabulous day and I will chat with you next time.

Speaker 2 (28:14):

Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join. Dolly's free community till next time.

Speaker 1 (28:28):

Hey there, before you go, I want to just give you a heads up on something. When things have been hardest in my role as a mom, the thing that was so very helpful for me was having a routine to take care of myself each day. I know that this whole thing around raising kids in a digital world is so very overwhelming. But if you have a place where you are taking care of yourself every single day with a simple routine that works despite where you are or what your schedule is, you will be able to be more present for your family and handle all of the ups and downs of this most amazing role that we could ever play in this world. So connect with me and let's get you connected to fitness and nutrition tools made by experts that will help you simplify this and then connect you with my fit club community that will support you, guide you and give you momentum and motivation to show up every day, take care of yourself first so that you could be better present for our digital native kids.